Cartman, Unexpected
by Risuka
Summary: Kenny's promiscuous; Cartman's fat. In other news, the sky is blue and the grass is green. Implied slash and dirty language abounds!


**Author****'****s**** Note****: **First of all, I have to tell you that I do not own South Park. There are people who can do it better than I can, because mine would be full of little kids having gay sex, which is kind of illegal and I would so be arrested for it.

Um... This little fic right here is dedicated to **The****-****Icon****-****Girl**, whose fic (_If__ a__ Whore__'__s __Around_) inspired me to write this parody based on what would have happened if she kept her original idea of Kenny/Cartman. I love Kenny and Cartman—just so vulgar, the two of them! It's brilliant!

Yes, I am very mentally disturbed, so watch out for the crazy girl. MWAHAHA!

Ahem. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story!

Note #2: I am the original author of this piece. I even managed to delete the older version on the old account. This is being re-uploaded, because I'm proud of it (even if it just seems like an excuse to swear a lot).

**Cartman****, ****Unexpected**

I really like to fuck people. I really like fucking with them too, but that's not really the point. I like fucking them. Guys, girls, it doesn't really matter to me. That's why I'm known around South Park as the whore. I'll fuck anyone that I find mildly attractive. It's not like it hurts anyone. Unless they're one of those overemotional bitches or overly effeminate fags, there are no tears in fucking. But I have to admit that my standards are a bit higher than most whores. I like the nervous, stuttering type. Like Butters. Butters is my wet dream come true, all of his stuttering naivety. Mm, might be time for me to relieve some tension. I live for the day when I get to fuck his tight—

"Hey, trailer-park, what're you thinking about?"

—ass. Shit. What is he doing here? I yank my hand away from my pants urgently. Heh, awkward? No way!

"Huh? Uh... Nothing." And how the fuck did he get into my house anyway? I can't even fit through that small-ass door that easily!

"Damn trash! Don't fucking lie to me, Kenny. I'll throw shit at you."

I snort. Did he forget I die a horrible, painful death on a daily basis? "Like I give a fuck about your weak-ass throw, man."

Cartman flushes with anger and, predictably, blows up at me. "God damn it, Kenny! I could dent your head with a fucking baseball if I wanted to!" His eyes twitch around as though actually looking for one. Heh, we're too poor for that, fat-ass.

I stare at him with amusement and then notice something right there on his cheek. Ooh, looks like someone's been in his Cheesy Poofs and forgot to wash before coming to the trailer. I grin maniacally. Hehehe, Cartman's way too fun to fuck with. "Hey fat-ass," I say as I walk over to him.

He stops his searching and looks up in confusion. "What the hell do you want?"

"You've got something on your cheek." Without giving him a chance, I lean over and lick up the orange powder on his cheek, giving an extra unnecessary lick in hopes of pissing him off.

Cartman shudders. "Eww, Kenny, you fucking fag-whore!" He fake-gags in my direction.

I pout, looking put-out. Why the hell is he reacting as if this is a daily thing? Where is the explosion that I'd been looking for? Damn you, alien scum! Where are you from and what have you done with the REAL Cartman? Alien-Cartman isn't fun enough.

He catches the pout and smirks. Oh shit, I know that smirk. That's his I-know-something-you-don't-know-and-I-can-blackmail-you-with-it smirk. "Heh, Kenny's a fag," he singsongs, poking me in my parka-covered chest.

Oh, he thinks he can blackmail me with that? Bullshit! "Tell me something I don't know, Eric," I purr, snickering at the angry blush that appears.

It takes him a while to think of something else he can use. When he does, it's not his usual smirk. It's knowing and somewhat accomplished. Huh, wonder what he thought of this time. "Kenny's a fag... and he likes me."

Well, that's unexpected. "What the hell are you saying, fat-ass? No fucking way!" There are Kyle and Butters though—two very hot, shy, hard-to-get boys—preferably both of them together. I'd like to hit that!

"Oh, come on. Why else would you just lick me for? You know—"

"To piss you off!"

"—I can think of somewhere more pleasing for you to lick."

I twitch. Is Cartman hitting on me? Eric Cartman, the fat-ass who never stopped trying to get Wendy from Stan, is hitting on me, Kenny the whore.

Huh. Unexpected.

I decide that I've had enough of Cartman with the upper-hand. It's my turn to top him. I smirk at my own little pun. "How about I do something good for both of us?" I ask him, lowering myself and pinning him to the chair. "If you really want me like that, Eric, and you think I want you like that... I'll just fuck you." I lick his cheek again. "It might be... fun."

Cartman's eyes bug out. Oh-ho-ho! Now there's the reaction I was looking for earlier! I grin, still waiting for something more. Maybe my licking is stealing his brain cells. Wouldn't that be delicious?

"WHAT THE FUCK, KENNY? I'm not a fag!"

Says the boy who let me lick him three times, pin him to a chair, and purr in his ear twice. Yep, totally not gay.

I tell him so.

And then there's more of his scrumptiously explode-y reactions.

"Y-YOU... YOU FORCED ME! I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, TRAILER-PARK FAG!"

"Well, you haven't pushed me off yet, baby. You must really want me." I nibble his earlobe, tugging on it, and—"OOF!"—fall to the floor. Damn, he didn't have to push that hard.

"OW!" His hands fly to his ear. "Fucking Kenny." That's what he gets for pushing me off when I have one of his body parts in my mouth. Imagine what would have happened if I took him up on his earlier offer. That wouldn't have ended pleasantly at all.

"Heh. Wow, Eric. I didn't know you were such a prude. I would have thought Kyle or Butters was more of the not-on-the-first-date kind of guy. You seemed pretty willing to fuck Wendy on your first date."

Cartman glares at me. Ooh, did I make the rhino mad? "Wendy's different. I'd been chasing her for years. You are nothing more than a trailer-park trash, faggot whore. Who knows what kinds of STDs I might get if I sleep with you?"

I huff. There's no need to get pissy, Mr. Rhino! "So... If Stan or Kyle came up to you and offered to sleep with you, you would..."

"Reject them, of course. I'm not a fag, Kenny. Kyle's a stupid, fucking Jew and Stan's a little whiny bitch. They belong together, not with me," he snorts. Oh, if only he knew. Those two will star in my wet dreams tonight. Maybe I can grab Butters and we can all make it a hot kinky foursome.

Speaking of Butters, this encounter with Cartman has left me with a rather big problem (if I do say so myself, and I do) and I'd like to take care of it. Since Cartman obviously is a lost cause (silly closet-case, embrace the bisexuality), I might as well have some fun with my little blond. "Hey fat-ass, I'm out! Feel free to stay, but the kitchen's kind of empty around here. I won't be able to lick anything off when I come back." In other words... Warning: There be no Cheesy Poofs here!

"Shut up, fucker! I'm leaving." And he does, yanking his coat off the back of the chair like a pissed-off housewife and storming out of the door. Maybe I should take the parka off before I try to come through the door if it's making me bigger than Cartman. And why the hell am I still on the floor again? I push myself up, straightening my parka and brushing it off. Fucking Cartman. Stupid closet.

Well, good riddance! Now I'm off to molest Butters—mm, that hot, tight, virginal body of his will be mine eventually!


End file.
